avgn bible games transcript

So, what do you do? ("Sunday Funday", "Fishfall", "4Him") Oh, boy. It's just like the rock in Friday the 13th, it arcs over everybody you try to hit. They just do like these weird kicks from a mile away and they hit you. Too bad I can't jump high enough. Go this way, go that way. The Nerd: Remember in Bible Adventures, there were three games, and one of which was Noah's Ark, that stupid shit where you're pickin' up stacks of animals, then of course, there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only unlicensed Super NES game, which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein, where you're goin' around shooting goats. There's your snakes. Come on! Sometimes you jump too early, thinking that the next log is going to come, but it doesn't. You get a checklist of all the animals you need, so it's pretty simple. The Nerd: How did this turn into a Bible game?! Well, wait until you see Bible Buffet. It's bad enough that the entire town's tryin' to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns? So I'm gonna draw the line right there. I mean, look at all the stuff that's trying to kill me. (Noah throws the block at the pig, knocking it unconscious) Ughhhh! The Nerd: The only animals that have the balls to fight back are the pigs. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. Where's the exit? Also, The Reveal that Board James and the Nerd are one and the same . This is ridiculous! ), The Nerd: Okay, who would've thought this would actually be decent?! What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel -- up at an electric eel -- have to do with the Bible? Well, you're going around, carrying sheep. Baby Moses, baby Moses. Okay, you're a hand tryin' to grab falling fish and throw 'em up into a floating basket. In fact, it's a rip-off of Candy Land. And take this one, for example: Bible Adventures. The video was first released on December 25th, 2006 as the first Christmas special. The Nerd: So, basically, you're a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson's wedding. Well, if you can't already tell what this game looks like, let me spell it out. Now it makes perfect sense. I'd never thought I'd see that. Please, somebody tell me. While we continue to follow our initial goal, we also try to bring the latest news on gadgets, mobile games, movies and TV shows. You fucking monkey, get back here! The Nerd: Look at this! Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community. (Starts the game up) Okay. Snix 13. Or, fuck! (the Nerd puts the game back into the Toploader and turns it on) That plays anything. The Angry Video Game Nerd: You are cruel and miserable games. Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church? (Makes a silly facial expression.). Oh, fuck! They're the first snakes you see in the game. If you jump through them, you fall in the water and die. First, there's Pyramid Pursuit. You're gonna get it. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! In 2004, James Rolfe finished college. Alright, that's it. Quizzes: not fun! Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts the Hulk to shame! How could it get any worse? Like, why does everyone want him dead? Oh no, now I gotta go all the way back. The problem is that initially, Matei was camera shy. I've got to do it! Bible Games 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 62, Kyle Justin: (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"), ♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪, ♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪, ♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪, ♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪, ♪ You'd better watch out, don't give these games a try ♪, ♪ You better not play 'em, he's tellin' you why, (the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock). Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. You're goin' in the ark, you fuck nut. Essentially, they're recycling some of their old Color Dreams games and adding Christian themes. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. You go down ladders with gray stone walls. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. I really hate those springs, all I'm trying to do is go down and to right but I can't make it! Joshua. It's bad. He started recording and talking about the game. The Nerd: Now you thought that was bad? The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume, and that there's a voice. That'll send him back! In fact, it is Wolfenstein 3D. Well, here's some hints. The Nerd: Well, that's Bible Adventures. The Nerd: I'd say he's having quite a day, and the funny thing is he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it. It flat out explains what you're supposed to do. A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? Yep, that's it. Not quite. Now that's gotta be tricky, right? It's pointless because once you're there, you're stuck. Lightning flashes. Sure, try that in real life. I think that would actually make them more angry. Oh, man! The most obscured game of the bunch would have to be Super Noah's Ark 3D. It looks more like a Game Genie. Just watch. The Nerd: Some enemies you can only kill with bombs, and trying to get them stand near a bomb is ridiculously hard. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using profane language.Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc. Did you see that? Here comes Sunday Funday. Anubis: (in a labored, monotone voice) I'm an idol worshipped by many. And then what? Just get down there! Damn pig! I guess on his journey to the Promised Land, he had to go through labyrinths, and shooting "W's" at everything and collecting sacks with the letter "M." I don't know about this one. Power on, please wait 7 seconds between power on and power off"? You're goin' in the ark. It's a point-and-click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. Bible Games - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 17. Dumb shit. (The squirrel seems to be climbing up the sky) Look at that! It's kinda like Mario Paint but really hard to control. The Nerd: Well, there's Noah. The Nerd: Another real piss-off is that it keeps goin' dark. (the Nerd picks up the games that he's going to review in this episode) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible?! Now would you believe there's actually more of them? in this case a review of Barbie for the NES. But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her. Not with this game. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. I-I don't know what it is, but it sounds out of place. Male Narrator: Moses trusted God. He returned to his parents' home and came up with an idea. The Nerd: At first there's a pattern. That's quite ridiculous. But there's something very different about this one. I mean, this is just fucking weird. The Nerd: Okay, another rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. For help, reach us over the phone and via email for the time being. Anyway, Color Dreams, for whatever reason, decide they wanted to start doing Bible games now under the name Wisdom Tree. The Nerd: In the beginning, a game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. He knew that no matter what, God would take care of him. A horse, a cow, and two oxen?! Then there's a Slider Puzzle. The Making of an AVGN episode - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 102. (normal voice) Seriously, that's the only explanation. The Nerd: Now, instead of this stripping chick, you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you. The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme by Dustin Aßmuteit, TRAILER - Spiderman - Angry Video Game Nerd, Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd Episodes, Transcript of AVGN Episode Batman (Part 2), Transcript of 2010 Angry Video Game Nerd Episode Back to the Future Trilogy, Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, https://avgn.fandom.com/wiki/Transcript_of_AVGN_episode_Bible_Games?oldid=28295. The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme by Dustin Aßmuteit, TRAILER - Spiderman - Angry Video Game Nerd, Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd Episodes, Transcript of AVGN Episode Batman (Part 2), Transcript of 2010 Angry Video Game Nerd Episode Back to the Future Trilogy, Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, https://avgn.fandom.com/wiki/Transcript_of_AVGN_Episode_Bible_Games_2?oldid=30398, This is the first AVGN episode to be in widescreen and in HD. The Nerd: Well, here's a little history lesson. I hate those fuckin' springs! (cue a rather graphic Visual Pun, then a faint Heartbeat Soundtrack lasting through the ending logos) There's that square-shaped stairwell, and there's a raft. The Nerd: So, you'd probably rather just play the game than answer the questions, which would be a good reason to just avoid the scrolls, but if you get the questions right, you get energy, which you want. Trending pages Transcript of 2020 AVGN Episode The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man The Nerd: Instead of trying to rescue your girl... you're not even gonna believe this when I tell you... you're trying to get... to Sunday School. "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off." Pick up a lion and see what happens. The only way to have any fun at all is to throw baby Moses in the water, and then go explore the level without him. To hold us over for now, we've got The Making Of An Angry Video Game Nerd Episode. (inserts the CD into the CD-i) More like livin' on a prayer! First let's do Noah's Ark. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. Damn! The Nerd: There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. Oh, so I guess it's the question marks I gotta get. Only cause it's the only first person shooter where you get to play as Noah. But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you, you have to answer a Bible riddle. And you know what? (The lion appears to get hit by an acorn) What? Take that, you monkey fuck! That's disgusting, I apologize. I don't know what that's about. He would review Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The Nerd: Listen to how cheerful the music is. They're only decoys. (Baby Moses suddenly shoots up above the game) Whoa! The Nerd: Now let's try Flight to Egypt. The only real difference is the main games. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the ark, right? Well, let's try them all. That lion just fell flat on his ass. The Nerd: What other first-person shooter game do you get to play as Noah? With its weird baby-blue cartridge? Why? And besides the usual rocks and bushes and trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. It's playable. ; The ending to "Bible Games 3": "...although, I will give my heart to Jesus." The Nerd: But tell me, why is "Moses and Me" graffitied on a wall? Not the ones in the trees. (the Nerd holds up the games he played and reviewed from his episode "Bible Games") Now 2 years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Noah, man. It's played by God-awful control, a pathetic attack range, and the most annoying level design I've ever seen. All with weird, deformed cartridges made for Nintendo systems, but without any endorsement from Nintendo. The Nerd: So, as we've seen, every one of these Bible games rips off something. (a picture of the Riddler appears) I didn't know that. Let's get it over with. That's where this game belongs, in the fuckin' garbage! Well, actually, yeah, you would. The film is being produced outside the studio system, entirely funded by fan donations. For his first Christmas review, the Nerd decides to review a few unlicensed Bible games for the NES and Super Nintendo. (he manages to get the enemy close to the bomb) OK, there, perfect. Clean all featuring a desert bus driving, this as the unpredictable nature of shit, although only conjure up on an achievement Uranus and desert transcript switch, but even had no! The Nerd: Here's Fishfall. You exist for one purpose: to reap everything I've sown. A Bible, and then you get a violent picture of somebody being whipped, and then it's on to the next level. Look at this, I'm still trying to hit this guy. Angry Video Game Nerd (abbreviated as AVGN) is an American web television series of comedy-themed retrogaming reviews, created by and starring James Rolfe.The show revolves around reviews that involve acerbic rants about low quality video games. GAH! Even the graphics kinda remind me of it. You grab that... whatever that is, and you knock that motherfucker out. 3:23. When the special first released on ScrewAttack's website, The video has divided into 2 parts. ), (The Nerd puts the game on the Toploader, the camera zooms in to the title, then the Nerd plays it, and actually feels somewhat satisfied with the game. YEAH!! OK, there's another one. Frankenstein’s Monster 17. And when you start the game, you get to type in a name. But if you find one of them, it doesn't bring you back. Oh! Smogo 7. He derives comic appeal from excessive and inventive use of profanity, frequent displays of explicit gestures, and heavy consumption of beer, particularly Rolling Rock or Yuengling, to "soothe the pain". So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the fucking game, you're not gonna know what the questions are. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. (Noah knocks the monkey out) Ughhhh! The Nerd: And there's a bit of conspiracy going on. Up, down, up, down, down! The last few minutes are a mini-episode about the game, obviously what we'd seen him working on throughout the video. Leprosy? Like it deliberately dodges your target. You thought that was weird? I guess true. Nothing to say about that. Alright, well, the object of the game is to get to the end of the level, carrying baby Moses. Oh, what the fuck? 5. (nagging lady voice) "Get your ass to Sunday School!" It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. 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